What now?

i'm so sick of crying and wanting to go back. i wish things were so different. life is so hard for me right now. i wish i could tell my friends how i feel and for them to be able to know what to say to make things better, but they don't. some sort of direction is needed in my life right now, and for once in my life i don't know where the hell i'm headed.

Momma

I miss you already, so so much. It wasn't your time to go. I still have so much to experience with you. You still need to watch me grow up, be the person I want to be. It hasn't sunken in yet..I don't want it to either. Makes me depressed. Although I'm happy you're out of pain and free from this world, I'm still stuck here. It sickens me to think that just 4 days ago you were breathing and laughing. I wish I could have said more to you before I had to go to work that morning, I tried. I don't know what else to say but, i love you and want you to come back. Please.

What's Right? What's Real?

That's my question..I don't understand what is really right. Who even classifies something as being right? Same as something being real. How does a person prove that certain things are? I don't think anyone can. You say someone has a disfigured view on what they believe. Maybe you're the one who is wrong. It's so weird and confusing that I don't even get it. I don't understand. Will I ever?

Just Thinkin'

It's kind of funny when you go on vacation or do something that makes you think, "wow, just when i thought i was doing fine, i wasn't." Finding something that makes you realize that you've lost yourself along the way to me is pretty grand. Just when you think you're lost, you seem to find yourself again right? That's how it is for me anyways. North Carolina was amazing for me, and now that i went to see their colleges I'm actually considering going there. To get away and be on my own sounds great to me, but then again I could never leave my little sister, Jonni, by herself. It'd be hard. I've noticed that I really like going out and doing random things. For instance, I decided at 1 in the morning to take my sister to sit in front of McDonald's so we could chat. Or other times I just like to go drive to parks and just swing, or go driving just so I can get lost..although it is hard to get lost in a town that is pretty basic.
Hmm..another thing thats been on my mind is people who don't know what they want. One month, they say they want one thing, then three months later they're begging for what they lost before. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you don't know what you even want then why even put yourself in a situation that causes you to make a choice between the two..

The Beginning Of A Good Thing

Summer has begun, finally. The end of the school year and the beginning of the summer has made me realize that life is good. I'm really and truly happy with everything going for me as of right now. Sure I have a worry or two, but I've been feeling good. I started a new job, which i'm thankful for because I've tried for a really long time to get a job, and in a few days I'll be going to Wilmington, North Carolina. I'm really excited to go there and visit my sister!Plus I'll finally get to meet her boyfriend/fiance that I've never even spoken to before. I've never been to the east coast before, and we have a lot of things planned for us to do. One of my favorite places in the world is the beach, and she happens to live about 5 minutes from there. This will definitely be an experiene and a vacation I will never forget.

Huckleberry Finn?

So, in my English class we are reading Huckleberry Finn I absolutely love this book, so far so good. Well in class we have to have something called "Circle Talk" when our teacher asks questions and we have to answer, state a quote that backs it up, and tie it all together. Well she was on the third question, usually there is only about five questions asked, and I had yet to answer. Pressure was on, cause I needed the grade. So I go in for the kill. The questions was, "Who is the wisest character in the book thus far?" So, I answer, "Jim is the wisest character thus far because he knows how to stay away from attention unlike..." At this point, I begin talking about Huck Finn. But instead of saying 'Huck Finn' I get the H in Huck and the F in Finn mixed up..causing me to basically cuss in class. My first thought was .."ohhhhhh mmmmmmy goshhh" and the whole class burst into laughter. I won't be living this event down for quite a while. It was hilarious, so I thought I'd document it here.

SUMMER?

I cannot wait till summer, I've decided. I'm so anxious to get out of this place! On the bright side, I haven't been in class very much last week nor this week due to all of the end of instruction tests we've been taking. I'm working on plans for this summer. I know for sure I'm going to visit my sister in June, which I'm totally stoked about because I've never been to the east coast, one of my friends is probably coming to town in July, and hanging out with everyone here in between all that! I'm also trying to get a job, which I have been trying the last few months..but still no stinkin' luck. It's kind of frustrating when you are constantly trying and things don't work out. But it will! I have faith. I'm also planning on going to a bunch of shows around here this summer, like in Joplin and such. But next summer, I really want to go to Warped Tour in Kansas City or some sort of musical festival. I'm excited. Mom is coming home from Chicage on Friday I think. It's about time, she's been gone for almost 3 weeks now because she has to go to a Cancer Center there to get treatment. Only four more long, hard weeks..then freedom at last.