What now?

i'm so sick of crying and wanting to go back. i wish things were so different. life is so hard for me right now. i wish i could tell my friends how i feel and for them to be able to know what to say to make things better, but they don't. some sort of direction is needed in my life right now, and for once in my life i don't know where the hell i'm headed.

Momma

I miss you already, so so much. It wasn't your time to go. I still have so much to experience with you. You still need to watch me grow up, be the person I want to be. It hasn't sunken in yet..I don't want it to either. Makes me depressed. Although I'm happy you're out of pain and free from this world, I'm still stuck here. It sickens me to think that just 4 days ago you were breathing and laughing. I wish I could have said more to you before I had to go to work that morning, I tried. I don't know what else to say but, i love you and want you to come back. Please.

What's Right? What's Real?

That's my question..I don't understand what is really right. Who even classifies something as being right? Same as something being real. How does a person prove that certain things are? I don't think anyone can. You say someone has a disfigured view on what they believe. Maybe you're the one who is wrong. It's so weird and confusing that I don't even get it. I don't understand. Will I ever?

Just Thinkin'

It's kind of funny when you go on vacation or do something that makes you think, "wow, just when i thought i was doing fine, i wasn't." Finding something that makes you realize that you've lost yourself along the way to me is pretty grand. Just when you think you're lost, you seem to find yourself again right? That's how it is for me anyways. North Carolina was amazing for me, and now that i went to see their colleges I'm actually considering going there. To get away and be on my own sounds great to me, but then again I could never leave my little sister, Jonni, by herself. It'd be hard. I've noticed that I really like going out and doing random things. For instance, I decided at 1 in the morning to take my sister to sit in front of McDonald's so we could chat. Or other times I just like to go drive to parks and just swing, or go driving just so I can get lost..although it is hard to get lost in a town that is pretty basic.
Hmm..another thing thats been on my mind is people who don't know what they want. One month, they say they want one thing, then three months later they're begging for what they lost before. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you don't know what you even want then why even put yourself in a situation that causes you to make a choice between the two..

The Beginning Of A Good Thing

Summer has begun, finally. The end of the school year and the beginning of the summer has made me realize that life is good. I'm really and truly happy with everything going for me as of right now. Sure I have a worry or two, but I've been feeling good. I started a new job, which i'm thankful for because I've tried for a really long time to get a job, and in a few days I'll be going to Wilmington, North Carolina. I'm really excited to go there and visit my sister!Plus I'll finally get to meet her boyfriend/fiance that I've never even spoken to before. I've never been to the east coast before, and we have a lot of things planned for us to do. One of my favorite places in the world is the beach, and she happens to live about 5 minutes from there. This will definitely be an experiene and a vacation I will never forget.

Huckleberry Finn?

So, in my English class we are reading Huckleberry Finn I absolutely love this book, so far so good. Well in class we have to have something called "Circle Talk" when our teacher asks questions and we have to answer, state a quote that backs it up, and tie it all together. Well she was on the third question, usually there is only about five questions asked, and I had yet to answer. Pressure was on, cause I needed the grade. So I go in for the kill. The questions was, "Who is the wisest character in the book thus far?" So, I answer, "Jim is the wisest character thus far because he knows how to stay away from attention unlike..." At this point, I begin talking about Huck Finn. But instead of saying 'Huck Finn' I get the H in Huck and the F in Finn mixed up..causing me to basically cuss in class. My first thought was .."ohhhhhh mmmmmmy goshhh" and the whole class burst into laughter. I won't be living this event down for quite a while. It was hilarious, so I thought I'd document it here.

SUMMER?

I cannot wait till summer, I've decided. I'm so anxious to get out of this place! On the bright side, I haven't been in class very much last week nor this week due to all of the end of instruction tests we've been taking. I'm working on plans for this summer. I know for sure I'm going to visit my sister in June, which I'm totally stoked about because I've never been to the east coast, one of my friends is probably coming to town in July, and hanging out with everyone here in between all that! I'm also trying to get a job, which I have been trying the last few months..but still no stinkin' luck. It's kind of frustrating when you are constantly trying and things don't work out. But it will! I have faith. I'm also planning on going to a bunch of shows around here this summer, like in Joplin and such. But next summer, I really want to go to Warped Tour in Kansas City or some sort of musical festival. I'm excited. Mom is coming home from Chicage on Friday I think. It's about time, she's been gone for almost 3 weeks now because she has to go to a Cancer Center there to get treatment. Only four more long, hard weeks..then freedom at last.

Rough Times Call For Drastic Changes

So, I know I've been blogging about choices and letting go and such a lot lately. I apologize, it must be boring to read. But I've been going through quite the rough time, so it consumes most of my time and thoughts. On the bright side, things are definitely getting better...slowly. I have taken people out of my life that constantly hurt me, and I'm trying to better my experiences in life and just...live more freely i guess is the right statement. It'll take some adjusting, but I'll get the hang of this. In all of this drama that's been going on with people, I've learned not to care what others say or think about me. It's not like they really matter in the long run anyways. The ones who matter are the ones that have stuck around because they ACTUALLY care about me; they don't just leave when the going gets tough. It's nice to know that there are actually some people out there that i can relate to me, not all are self-centered and blame things on others just because they can't let things go. So that's that and it's time to move on. Here's to changes.

Letting Go

When you have to constantly wait for something that may or might not happen it gets rather annoying. A waiting game. No one likes that, it's unnecessary. So once it gets to the point that you finally think, "Is this even worth is anymore?" you finally realize you aren't gaining from this thing, or relationship, or whatever it is you're waiting for. You're just getting hurt. It just isn't worth that sucky feeling you get everyday when you think about it. Letting go is good, it brings a sense of freedom.

Spring Break!

Spring break. A much needed break during the school year. But it's rather obnoxious, because it fools us, makes us have so much fun..then leaves just as fast as it comes. Then we have to wait a whoooole 9 weeks until we get an actual break: summer. This has been such a good spring break so far though, especially today because it actually reached 65, so I was able to go outside and such. I've hung out with friends everyday, gone to visit family in Kansas City, and have just had fun. I've had a few stressful occasions with some people, but that's all the past. I hate when people don't take the blame for things, when it was their fault just as much as the other person's. It takes two people to make a relationship, or a friendship for that matter. Not just one.

Choices

Life is basically one big choice...but is full of a lot of little choices along the way. I think the biggest fear for some people is if they're making the wrong decision..whether it's deciding to forgive and forget someone, or decide to just change everything. Both can be equally hard. What is it that causes us to fail at actually forgetting someone? It's such a simple concept when you think about it, but it can be one of those things that are easier said than actually done. Maybe it's because the person they're trying to forget is making it way harder than it actually has to be or vice versa. Bleh, I'm so scatterbrained tonight I can't even finish one thought before moving on to the next..way too much on my mind tonight. Maybe I'll continue this whole thing some other time.

Super Bowl

Although this is titled "Super Bowl" and i'm ecstatic that the Saints won! ..That's not what this is about. The Who-halftime. I thought it was pretty amazing, truth be told. Their stage was fantastic, all the lights were awesome, and although everyone claims they couldn't hear them well-something must have been wrong with their televisions..because I heard them perfectly. Watching them just made me want to grow up in the 60's even more than before. When all the real bands were around-The Beatles, The Who, The Rolling Stones, etc. But no..I grow up in a time with artists that don't even come close to measuring up to the oldies-Lil Wayne, Pink, Keisha, etc. They are examples of what music shouldn't sound like. Don't get me wrong, some artists are good. But I only enjoy 80% of today's music..and 75% of what i like isn't even mainstream music. So for tonight, that is all i have to say about that.

Motivation

Ughhhhhh I need motivation to do school work. It is so annoying, i can't stress it enough.. Luckily, we are out Friday which gives me a 3-day weekend to do whatever. I think on Friday I'm going to go watch a basketball game with some friends. Saturday is when I'm pretty sure I've decided to go watch Dear John. (It was such a good book, I am dying to see this movie!!) Then on Sunday I'll do whatever homework I have..and watch Super Bowl! So..yeah I just needed a break from homework. But I guess I'll get back to it..

Who is the person of your dreams?

So..I'm totally hooked on this show called 'The Buried Life' and the newest episode is about one of the four guys on the show, Ben, asking out the girl of his dreams who just happened to be Megan Fox. He got into the premiere of Transformers 2..and was just about to ask her..but didn't get to because her publicist made her move on to the next reporter.. But what is it that stops people from pursuing one of their life-long dreams anyways? Whether it be just asking out the girl of your dreams..or traveling to the moon. I don't believe there is anything that should hold you back from what could potentially make you happy in life. But sometimes it feels like there is. Maybe the first step in trying to experience or get what makes you happy is breaking down that barrier of fear, or barrier of what it is holding you back. So, a quote that really explains this whole idea is that.."There's more to life than just to live." Which is so true, what's the point of life if you don't live freely while you're at it?

Lazy Sundays

I never do anything on Sundays. Every Sunday the most I do is homework and watch TV. I think it's because I'm bummed out by the fact of having school the next day..unless for some reason it's cancelled. We do have a whole bunch of snow and ice still, even though the main roads are all clear..the rest of them are still bad. I've had to drive in it twice today and it was not fun at all. I wouldn't suggest driving in ice, it's a nail biting kind of thing. As to what I watched today..the Grammy Awards. They get boring sometimes..but overall they're good. Lady Gaga of course had to do a performance in some ridiculous outfit, Beyonce did great, Taylor Swift didn't do very good tonight..but despite that she is still one of my favorite musicians. I think the best thing about the Grammys tonight was winning a bet I had made. First I made a bet with my friend Bentley-$5 bet for Best Song between Beyonce and Taylor. He put his money on Beyonce, and I on Taylor. Beyonce won that award...so I had to get my money back somehow. So I suggested a double or nothing on the next award. This award happened to be Best Album, I again chose Taylor and he chose Beyonce. Only this time..I was the winner! Ten dollars! Why am i freaking out about this so much? Probably because I never win anything, and by anything I mean....anything. The last thing I won was fifty dollars in a drawing during my third grade year. So for my recently earned money, I thank you Taylor Swift! This just goes to show that every now and then, things do work out the way you want them to. Anyways, I'm rambling now and about to fall asleep. So, good night!

Why exactly am i making this?

Well, I think the reason I'm making this blog is just to document my thoughts that go through my mind during the day, or out of sheer boredom. I'm really not sure..but this is it! First, I'll introduce myself. My name is Toni. I really love watching movies, along with hanging out with friends every chance i get, and going to watch sports. I enjoy music a lot. I am currently working on learning how to play both the piano and the guitar. But both of my instruments are broken so, that is on hold. I'm a sophomore in high school and enjoy it about 50% of the time. I wouldn't say I'm exactly shy..but I'm not one that has to talk all the time either. So, this could be an interesting way to express my thoughts..Enjoy.